When Therapeutic Learning Stays in the Therapy Room

There’s a moment I have quite often in play therapy. You’ve spent a few sessions exploring something with a child and suddenly it just clicks.

Maybe it’s been something entirely in metaphor in the sandtray and you see that moment when they look at the symbol and they say “that’s me”.

It’s not always that straight forward I know. We are looking at their sandtray with curiosity rather than explanation. But when the child says it out loud, it’s a magical moment!

Or maybe we’ve been talking more directly about regulation, about their Guard Dog — the part of their brain that is always looking out for danger — and they’ve drawn their own Guard Dog, they’ve worked out what makes him bark and discovered some of the things that help him settle. Then, one day, they’ll say something like, “My Guard Dog was SO loud at in the canteen today.” 

And I’m sitting there thinking, YES! They get it. This little bit of therapeutic language actually means something to them now.

And then they leave the therapy room.

And this is the bit I keep coming back to.

Because the next morning, that same Guard Dog might start barking before school. Except Mum or Dad has never met the Guard Dog.

Then it happens again in maths. And again, their teacher hasn't met him either.

So this child, who has only just found a way of making sense of what is happening inside them, is suddenly the only person in their world who speaks the language.

And that's quite a lot to ask of a child, isn't it?

But how on earth could I go telling the teacher about this wonderful moment they’d had in their play therapy session? That would not only be breaking confidentiality, but it would impact on the trusting relationship that I had built with the child.

But inside the play therapy room it makes sense….

And I wanted to scream from the rooftops “He’s getting it!! Just give him space to explain!” but then I realised. The child ‘got it’ in the playroom where he had a safe, therapeutic space.

But he didn’t yet have the words or language to piece it all together and explain it to others.

So I started to think….how can we help useful therapeutic learning travel with the child, while still protecting the confidentiality and safety of their therapeutic space?

I cannot count the amount of times I’ve heard that a child will be “good in play therapy, they’ve got all that 1-1 attention”.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I get that the 1-1 nature of play therapy helps.

But it’s so much more than that. It’s the felt sense of safety, the trusted connection, the accepting of the child exactly as they are and respecting the child to work through their own process. It’s when all these things come together that we see the magic.

But the social worker in me, the one that’s spent nearly 20 years working with the wider family and network around the child; the aunties, uncles, the grandparents, the school staff, the mentors and support workers.

The social worker who wasn’t afraid to have a meeting with several family members and every single professional involved with the child so we could all be in on the same page.

Well, it doesn’t sit right with that social worker that the play therapy process ends at the door.

So how can we all be on the same page and still maintain therapeutic confidentiality?!

Working with parents and schools alongside play therapy

Well the first thing is – we don’t have to be turning everyone into therapists and expecting everyone to take the same therapeutic approach.

Goodness we’ve got enough on in our lives these days haven’t we?! Without taking that role on too!

And we don’t need to tell anyone ANYTHING that’s been happening in the child’s sessions. That part sticks.

Never. Break. Confidentiality. (Unless it’s the usual safeguarding actions and follow your schools/ employers policies and procedures on that one – I’ll leave that to you).

All we have to do is make sure everyone in the child’s life is understanding the same language.

It’s that simple.

A shared phrase “Our Guard Dog” or visual that the child is familiar with. Used across all settings.

Someone was telling me how boring it is reading the same nursery rhyme over and over again to his child yesterday.

Man, I remember singing the ‘Wheels on the Bus’ over and over. But it’s for a reason. Consistency is key for children to learn.

We repeat nursery rhymes and timetables over and over. So why don’t we repeat our emotional regulation and nervous system language over and over too?!

And the more people in their world who are speaking the same language, the more they will learn.

Children thrive when the adults around them share the same understanding and language.

And unfortunately, we aren’t given much practical guidance during our play therapy training about how to translate therapeutic concepts for parents or schools are we?!

And I bet you’re thinking, “well if I tell adults in the child’s life about the Guard Dog, the child will wonder what else I’ve told?!”

But there is a difference between telling a teacher what a child played out in the sand tray and helping that teacher understand the general “Guard Dog” language the child has been introduced to.

Similarly, a parent doesn't need to know what the child discussed in therapy to understand how to respond when their Guard Dog is “barking”.

It’s giving the adults around the child the language to open up these discussions. Not telling them “well they’ve told me that sitting blowing bubbles calms their Guard Dog”.

Because equally, what calms their Guard Dog at home might be different to school or the play therapy room!

The top and bottom of this?!

The child shouldn't have to translate between three worlds.

This is the bit I keep coming back to - the child shouldn’t have to be the translator between all of these different worlds. 

Imagine finally finding a way to explain what happens when you feel overwhelmed, only to discover that the words only make sense in one room, with one adult.

So what if some of that language could travel with them instead? Not the private details of their therapy, but the useful bits of understanding.

I’ve started thinking about this as Understand → Experience → Connect → Embed.

We help the child understand something about themselves, give them opportunities to experience and explore it through play or creativity, connect that understanding with the important adults around them where appropriate, and then help embed it into everyday life.

Take the brain as an example. In therapy, I might introduce the Guard Dog, Wise Owl and Memory Elephant, and then we’ll play around with what that actually means for this child —

What makes their Guard Dog bark? How do they know he’s getting louder? What helps him settle?

But imagine if Mum knows who Guard Dog is too. Or their teacher understands what they mean when they say, “My Guard Dog is really loud today.” 

Suddenly the child doesn’t have to explain the whole thing from scratch. The adults aren’t becoming therapists and everyone doesn’t need a crash course in neuroscience. 

They just have one shared concept and a little bit of shared language to start from. 

And sometimes, that’s enough. That’s all it needs.

Want to see what this looks like in practice?

Download the free Conversations About the Brain Starter Kit. It gives you one therapeutic concept carried across the therapy room, home and school — with resources for the child, parent/carer, school and therapist.